Let’s be real: fights happen. Whether it’s about something serious or something laughably petty (like whether the thermostat should be set to “polar vortex” or “mild spring day”), disagreements are just part of married life. What really matters is how you recover.
Making up doesn’t mean sweeping things under the rug or plastering on a fake smile.
It’s about showing up for each other, even when it’s hard. No grand gestures or perfectly worded speeches required—just real-life, practical steps to repair the connection. Because at the end of the day, you’re on the same team.
Here are 6 tips for making up after a fight... things we do in our marriage that work (surprisingly) well.
1. Say You’re Sorry, and Mean It
“I’m sorry” might be one of the hardest phrases to say—and the easiest to mess up. A quick, half-hearted apology can do more harm than good. But an honest, meaningful apology? That’s gold.
Here’s the key: own your part in the conflict without jumping to blame or excuses.
Instead of a vague, “I’m sorry if I upset you,” try something more specific, like, “I realize I hurt you when I dismissed your concerns earlier. That wasn’t fair, and I’m really sorry.” Acknowledging exactly what you’re apologizing for shows that you understand how your actions impacted your partner.
And remember: not everyone receives apologies the same way. Some people need to hear the words, others want action. If your spouse’s apology language is “making restitution,” they might feel more loved if you actively make amends, like offering to fix what went wrong or taking on an extra chore. A simple, “How can I make this right for you?” can go a long way.
Even if you feel like you weren’t 100% at fault, there’s almost always something you can own. When both of you approach reconciliation with humility, it sets the stage for real healing.
Below is a module from our premarital course all about the five apology languages created by Dr. Gary Chapman.
2. Don’t Rush to Move On: Check That It’s Resolved
One of the biggest traps after a fight is the “let’s just move on” mindset. It’s tempting to slap a bandage on the issue and pretend everything’s fine, but unresolved feelings have a sneaky way of showing up later—like during your next argument about something completely unrelated.
Or worse, sometimes one person will feel like the conflict is resolved while the other feels it isn't.
Before you call it a day, check in with your partner to make sure the issue is truly resolved. Try asking questions like:
- “Do you feel like we’ve worked through this, or is there more we need to talk about?”
- "How are you feeling right now?"
- "Did you share everything on your heart and mind?"
Be prepared: sometimes the answer might be, “No, I’m still upset.”
And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean you’ve failed; it means they might need a little more time or clarity to feel at peace. The goal isn’t to win or shut down the conversation—it’s to make sure both of you feel seen, heard, and ready to move forward.
And here’s the kicker: don’t mistake quiet for resolution. Just because your spouse isn’t bringing it up doesn’t mean they’re over it. Silence isn’t always agreement; sometimes, it’s just exhaustion or internal processing. That’s why it’s so important to dig a little deeper and make sure the air is truly cleared.
3. Hit the Reset Button
When you’ve worked through the issue and feel like you’re on the same page again, it’s time to hit your version of the “reset button.” Think of it as a small ritual or activity to mark the end of the argument and the start of moving forward. This doesn’t have to be elaborate—in fact, the simpler, the better.
Here are some easy reset ideas:
- Pancake Dinner: Make breakfast for dinner together. Pancakes, waffles, or even just scrambled eggs can turn an ordinary moment into a lighthearted reset.
- Go for a Drive: No destination needed. Roll the windows down, play your favorite playlist, and enjoy the quiet (or some car karaoke).
- The Silly Handshake: Create your own goofy handshake or gesture that says, “We’re okay now.”
- Movie and Popcorn: Pick a feel-good movie you both love and relax together. Bonus points if it makes you laugh.
The reset button isn’t about ignoring what just happened—it’s about symbolically saying, “We’re choosing to move forward.” Over time, this ritual can become a comforting way to de-escalate tension and reconnect after a fight.
4. Reflect, but Don’t Overanalyze
Once you’ve made peace, it’s worth taking a moment to reflect—but don’t let it turn into a blame game or a deep dive into everything that went wrong. The goal here is to identify what you both can learn and carry forward, not to relive the fight.
Ask yourself (and each other) simple questions like:
- “What do you think triggered this argument?”
- “What could we both do differently next time?”
- “Is there a way we can handle this better in the future?”
Note: we find this step is best done like 24+ hours later.
This isn’t about beating yourself up or keeping score—it’s about understanding patterns and setting yourself up for success the next time life throws a curveball. Write it down if that helps. Sometimes, putting thoughts on paper can bring clarity without the emotional intensity of a spoken conversation.
One important thing: let it go once you’ve reflected. Don’t hang onto the argument like a security blanket. Once you’ve agreed to move forward, honor that commitment.
Conclusion
Marriage isn’t about never fighting—it’s about learning how to navigate conflict in a way that strengthens your bond instead of breaking it. Every disagreement is a chance to grow closer, to understand each other better, and to prove (again and again) that you’ll choose each other, no matter what.
So the next time you and your spouse are butting heads, remember: it’s not about being “right.” It’s about doing the hard, sometimes messy work of staying connected. And that’s what makes a marriage stronger—not perfect, but resilient.
If you're engaged, be sure to check out our online premarital course to help you prepare for communication and conflict in marriage.
