Despite what you see on TV or the movies, navigating sex for the first time as a newlywed couple is challenging.
At best, everything "works," but it's still a bit clumsy and awkward.
But for some couples, wedding night excitement turns into frustration, discouragement, and confusion when penetrative sex is painful and can't physically happen. This can continue for months (or even years) if couples don't figure out what's going on.
Yeah, definitely not how you dreamed about sex your first year.
Below is a guest post from our friend Jess Seitz, founder of Pain-Free Intimacy. In it, she gives 6 tips for navigating painful intimacy as newlyweds.
As a quick note: Jess specializes in a condition called "vaginismus." According to the Cleveland Clinic, "Vaginismus is an involuntary tensing of the vagina. People experience it at the start of sex, while inserting a tampon or while getting a pelvic exam." Studies vary, but vaginismus can affect up to 20% of women.
We provide that clarification because sex can be uncomfortable, but that doesn't necessarily mean you have vaginismus or need to seek medical help. Jess will provide some guidance around when to get help and has great resources on her site for navigating painful sex and vaginismus.
Engaged Couples: Preparing for Potentially Painful or Uncomfortable Sex
The reality is that sex is typically uncomfortable for women the first few times. We've heard of otherwise healthy couples who experience uncomfortable sex for the first month or so of their marriage.
And while sex may be uncomfortable, it shouldn't really be painful. It definitely shouldn't be painful for prolonged periods of time.
If you're engaged, be sure to download The Ultimate Guide to the Wedding Night & Honeymoon to get helpful tips for preparing for sex as well as some questions you can ask each other to get on the same page.
Since you probably won't know if sex will be painful or uncomfortable before you do it, here are a three questions you can ask each other ahead of time:
- What will we do if sex is uncomfortable?
- How will we communicate to ensure sex is pleasurable and comfortable for both of us?
- How can I best serve you if sex is painful or uncomfortable?
Let's jump into it!
Here's Jess' blog:
Intimacy is one of the most anticipated aspects of marriage, yet for some newlyweds, it can be unexpectedly painful. If you’re navigating this sensitive and challenging situation, know that you’re not alone. Painful intimacy is more common than you might think, and there is hope for healing and connection. Here are six compassionate and practical tips to help you and your partner navigate this journey together.
1. Pause and Communicate
One of the most important things you can do is to pause and openly communicate with your partner. Don’t try to hide the pain or push through it silently. Pretending everything is fine can lead to feelings of isolation and misunderstanding. Instead, share your experience honestly. Let your partner know what you’re feeling, both physically and emotionally. When you communicate openly, you build trust and create a supportive environment where healing can begin.
2. Don’t Push Past the Pain
It can be tempting to grit your teeth and push through the pain, especially if you feel pressure to meet certain expectations. However, forcing your body through painful experiences teaches it to brace and expect discomfort, which can create a cycle that’s hard to break. This feedback loop can make the pain chronic and more challenging to heal over time. Instead, listen to your body and honor its limits. Pain is your body’s way of signaling that something isn’t right, and pushing past it will only prolong the journey to recovery.
3. Work Up to “Him”
For many couples, the expectation is to jump straight into penetrative sex, but that’s not always the best approach, especially if intimacy is painful. Instead, take a gradual approach. Start with inserting fingers, both yours and your partner’s, or using small toys. This allows your body to acclimate to the sensation and reduces fear or tension associated with penetration. Remember, this is a process, not a race. Celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.
4. Make Sure You’re Fully Aroused
Arousal isn’t just about pleasure—it’s a vital part of preparing your body for intimacy. When you’re fully aroused, your vagina becomes longer, produces more natural lubrication, and is more receptive to penetration. Achieving full arousal can take around 40 minutes, so give yourselves plenty of time to focus on female pleasure and stimulation before attempting penetration. By prioritizing arousal, you’re setting the stage for a more comfortable and enjoyable experience.
5. Make Penetration a Super Fun, Safe, and Pressure-Free
Your mind and body need to feel safe and supported to fully relax during intimacy. Creating a psychologically safe space can make all the difference. This might mean having lighthearted moments, using humor, creating a serene environment, or simply affirming each other’s feelings. Eliminate pressure and set an intention to enjoy the process rather than fixating on specific outcomes. When both partners feel emotionally connected and supported, without the pressure to perform, the body is more likely to respond positively.
Check out this
Check out this free guide on ‘How to increase pleasure when intimacy isn’t optimal’ to learn specific ways to make the bedroom space enjoyable despite any pain or frustrations.
6. Seek Help Sooner Rather Than Later
If pain with sex persists, don’t wait to seek professional help. The sooner you address the issue, the faster you’ll find relief and prevent chronic pain cycles from developing. There are specialists who can guide you through this process, including pelvic floor therapists (both occupational and physical therapists), counselors who specialize in sexual pain, and gynecologists. These professionals can provide tailored strategies and tools to help you heal both physically and emotionally.
You’re Not Alone
Painful sex can feel isolating, but it’s a challenge you don’t have to face alone. By pausing, communicating, and taking a gradual, supportive approach, you and your partner can navigate this journey with resilience and love. Healing can take time, but each step you take brings you closer to a more fulfilling and pain-free intimate connection. Don’t hesitate to seek guidance and support—your future together and your pleasure are worth it!
About Jess & Pain-Free Intimacy
Pain-Free Intimacy is a faith-based pelvic health company that offers a comprehensive and holistic approach to healing from painful sex and vaginismus. Their unique vaginismus and painful sex recovery program, developed by Jess Seitz—a trauma-informed pelvic floor occupational therapist and pain-science specialist—addresses the cognitive, emotional, psychological, and pelvic floor muscle elements contributing to pain during penetration, with an ultimate goal to not just ensure that sex is possible but also fully enjoyable and desirable—the way God designed it to be.
