9:21am, October 27, 2024... Our newborn son makes a (loud) entrance into the world.
We rush to update family and friends and let them know he's here and mama is healthy.
We're met with a flurry of texts back.
"When can we meet him?"
"Can't wait to hold him!"
And, "Can't wait to kiss his little cheeks!"
Thankfully, we had a gameplan and were prepared for the onslaught.
Having a baby will introduce a completely new dynamic into your relationship with your parents and your in-laws. They go from "mom and dad" to "grandma and grandpa" literally overnight. New expectations are introduced and there's an entirely new human you have to account for at all times.
Because we knew how important healthy boundaries are when you're married, we knew they'd be even more important when Graham was born. We spent months talking about the shift in expectations and discussing the new boundaries we need to consider.
In this article, we're going to share some of the boundaries we had (and have) with our family following the birth of our baby.
Like anything, you'll need to decide on what's best for you and your relationship. Some of our boundaries may be a little strict, some may be a little loose.
Fellas: yield to your wife here. As much as you may want your mom in the delivery room, if she's uncomfortable with it, then yield to her wants and needs. This is a huge moment for her and you want her to be as comfortable and ready as possible.
When to Communicate These Boundaries
Remember, boundaries are best when they're "proactive" instead of "reactive."
Communicating your boundaries before the baby is born will help prevent any emotional fall outs or potentially awkward conversations.
This was a few different conversations for us leading up to the birth.
You'll also need to continue to discuss these boundaries after the baby is born and make sure everyone is on the same page.
Boundary #1: No kissing baby
Graham was born heading into sick season. Many of these viruses can be deadly for a new little baby, so we wanted to minimize that potential with this boundary. It's so hard! But thankfully, our families did their best and (mostly) understood this boundary.
Boundary #2: No one at the hospital during the delivery
This was mostly for Britt's comfort and sanity.
We didn't want to have a bunch of people in a waiting room somewhere or anxiously texting us all the time asking when the baby was coming. And we definitely didn't want anyone else in the delivery room.
As an added bonus, we ended up getting a few sweet hours with our new family of three and no one else around. It was really really cool.
Boundary #3: Don't buy unncessary stuff
So let's just say this up front... we have INCREDIBLY generous parents, and specifically moms. They wanted to buy all the cute clothes and toys. As sweet and well intentioned as that was, we also knew that we'd likely end up with a bunch of stuff in our house that we never use.
As Graham has gotten a bit older, we've asked for things here and there so they can still buy things for him.
Boundary #4: No one at the house when we get home from the hospital
Kyler's parents live about 6 hours away. We wanted them to feel included in the birth process and be around to meet Graham as soon as possible, but we also didn't want to have to be responsible for having other people staying with us when we got home from the hospital.
This led to two boundaries:
- We asked Kyler's parents to stay at a hotel up the street (they were very gracious about it) and come over for a few hours at a time
- We asked to have some alone time at the house to get settled before anyone came over
Boundary #5: Speak truth and life over baby
This one may be a little weird, but we didn't want our friends and family jokingly teasing our baby and speaking negative things over him. Sure, he can't understand what they're saying, but there's life in the tongue (Proverbs 18:21) and we want to use our words to encourage and speak life over him and not to speak death or curses over him.
Other Boundary Areas
You may consider discussing and setting boundaries in other areas when it comes to your baby. Here are a few:
- Bathing - who is allowed to give baby a bath?
- Changing diaper - who is allowed to change baby's diaper?
- Breastfeeding - who is allowed in the room when you're breastfeeding?
- Watching baby alone - who is allowed to be alone with baby?
- Sickness - if someone is sick, at what point are they cleared to hold baby?
- Pets - will you allow other people's pets around your baby?
The download below has additional boundaries (beyond baby stuff) that you may consider in your relationship. It's totally free.
Consequences of Breaking Boundaries
Remember, a boundary is not actually a boundary if you don't enforce a consequence for breaking it.
So if you have a boundary that family and friends shouldn't kiss your baby, but then someone is doing it repeatedly, that means you may need to ask them to leave, tell them they can't hold the baby until they agree to stop kissing him, or whatever consequence you've set.
Your job is to protect your baby and your marriage, and healthy boundaries help you do that in a loving way.
Even if your parents/in-laws don't love these boundaries, if they care for and respect you, they will at least honor them.
Conclusion
If you want a deeper dive into setting healthy boundaries with in-laws, read this article.
Again, boundaries are healthy and necessary for any good relationship... especially one with in-laws.
Reach a full agreement with your spouse on the boundaries you want to set, and then communicate those boundaries with family.
