When you go white water rafting, your guide will spend time going over the details of the trip. They'll highlight when the river might be more calm... when it might be a little rougher... and when you can expect a few rough rapids.
Next, they'll tell you how to traverse the rapids so you can get through them safely.
Then, when you're on the water, you know what to expect, you're prepared, and you can head through the rapids with confidence.
The goal of this article is the same.
Think of us as your guides and the challenges we highlight as rapids you're likely to face. We want to give you the confidence you need to get through them when (not if... when) they arise.
Let's jump in.
Challenge #1: Adjusting to Living Together
Living together for the first time is a huge change for newlyweds.
Think about it... for (likely) the first time in your life, you're sharing a bed, a toilet, a shower, a fridge, a [fill in the blank with anything else in your home] with another person.
Even if you have siblings or you've lived with roommates, living with your spouse is a completely different ballgame. You can't just move out, you can't hide stuff you don't want them to use, and you can't lock yourself in your room when they're driving you nuts.
On top of that, this other person (ie, your spouse) has their own quirks and ways they like doing things at home... most of which you might not have ever known about.
Like...
- maybe they like to let their dishes "soak" overnight
- or maybe they wear their shoes in the house
- or maybe they sleep with a fan
- or maybe their morning routine is to blast heavy metal while they shower
- or maybe they put the TP under instead of over (which is sinful btw... 😉)
This is a shock to the system for many couples who aren't prepared for it. This whole "two becoming one" thing never covers what to do when your spouse leaves toothpaste chunks all over the sink.
So... how do you prepare for, and overcome this challenge?
How to Overcome This Challenge
Unfortunately, the only real way to experience living together once you're married is to do it.
That said, one of the best ways to prepare for this is to talk about it. Take some time to ask each other questions like, "When you sleep, do you like it to be cold or warm?" or, "What time do you normally eat dinner?"
These will help you truly understand what your future spouse prefers and will give you a glimpse into how they live.
Below is a link to a freebie with a bunch of questions you can ask each other before you move in together.
The other thing you might consider doing is allowing each other to do surprise home/apartment visits to see how they live when they haven't had a chance to pick up or hide things.
Here's how it works:
- Both of you agree to the concept and set a time frame for when it'll happen (ie, in the next month, etc)
- At whatever time you want, you come over for a surprise visit
- Your fiancé does the same
No, sorry, we don't recommend living together before you're married. Neither does the research or the Bible. Read more here.
One last thing to add... adjusting to living together can be a challenge, but at the same time, living with your spouse is a BLAST. Ironing out all the little quirks, expectations, and preferences just make it that much more fun.
Challenge #2: Navigating Holidays With In-Laws
For the first 18+ years of your life (maybe even longer!), you spent every holiday with your family. Whatever your parents did, you did. Whatever traditions your family had, you had.
Now that you're married and have created a new family unit, your family will have to compromise and be flexible... something that's totally new for them.
Add in the dynamics of "leaving" your family in other areas, and you can understand why splitting holidays can be a tricky topic to navigate.
This is compounded by:
- Distance and living further away from one set of in laws than the other
- Your parents having to "share time" for the first time
- New complex family dynamics
- Having to sacrifice and compromise
We still struggle with this to this day, so just know you're not alone if splitting holidays is a challenge!
How to Overcome This Challenge
We lay out three steps for splitting holidays with in-laws, plus some additional tips and ideas in this blog.
Two things to reiterate right now though:
- It's important to remember that once you're married, you and your spouse are a complete family unit. This is why the Bible talks about what it means to "leave" your family and "cleave" to your spouse. As a complete family unit, you and your spouse get to decide what you want to do and and what's best for the two of you. This leads to the second thing...
- Boundaries are really important with in laws. Boundaries are decisions you make in advance about what you will allow and what you won't allow. For splitting holidays, those boundaries might sound like, "mom/dad, we can spend Thanksgiving with you but we will be spending Christmas with [spouse's name]'s family this year."
Challenge #3: Combining Your Finances
You might sensing a theme so far...
Most of the challenges you'll face during your fist year have to do with TWO becoming ONE. It's not easy to live separate lives up until this point, and then suddenly have to join those lives together in marriage.
Living from one set of finances is no exception.
As a quick note: we believe married Christian couples should have joint bank accounts. Read more here.
Most couples face a couple of hiccups here:
- Struggling with getting "permission" before spending money
- Splitting up financial duties like paying bills, getting groceries, etc
- Making big financial decisions together
- Budgeting with two paychecks vs one
How to Overcome This Challenge
The biggest mindset shift you have to take on in marriage is also the one that's the hardest... you are no longer two but one (Matthew 19:6).
Take a quick inventory of how you think about money: do you believe that your paycheck will belong to your spouse as well? Do you look forward to making financial decisions together? Do you truly understand that your money doesn't belong to you?
Your answers to these questions will shine a light on how much this challenge will impact your marriage. You'll have an easier time if you view your money as ONE with your spouse.
We have two practical resources for you:
- The Newlywed Financial Guide - a 70+ page download that will give you everything you need to win with money in your first year and beyond.
- "How to Merge Finances" - if you're not ready to get the full guide, just download this sample chapter that gives you a step by step process for merging your finances.
Challenge #4: Learning How to Fight
Lots of couples enter marriage thinking all of their fights are a thing of the past. That a ring on a finger and a signed piece of paper means no more fighting.
Here's a harsh reality... the issues you have while you're dating and engaged won't magically go away when you're married. In fact, they'll often get worse.
For married couples, you also have a few more things at play that you've likely never had to experience when you're dating and engaged:
- You share a living space now
- You share your money now
- You have in laws now
- You can have sex now
All of which are new territory and new potential for conflict.
So if you want your marriage to last, you have to learn how to resolve conflicts.
How to Overcome This Challenge
There's a lot to unpack here, so we'll just share some resources that will point you in the right direction:
- [Blog] Learn How to Apologize
- [Blog] Internal vs External Processor
- [Blog] Unhealthy Communication Patterns
- [Blog] Rules for Healthy Communication
- Our Online Premarital Course
The key here is to enter marriage understanding that conflicts are GOING to happen. It's not a matter of if, but when. Healthy conflict is a part of a healthy marriage... but you gotta know how to fight.
Challenge #5: Having Unmet Expectations
Unmet expectations are the fastest way to frustration in marriage.
Unmet expectations are typically:
- Unspoken - expectations you know you have, but never share with your spouse. Example: You want to leave the family gathering by 8pm but never tell your wife.
- Unrealistic - expectations you know you have, but there's no way your spouse can fulfill them... ie, they aren't realistic. Example: You want to go on a lavish, $20k vacation every year but you make $80k per year.
- Unconscious - expectations you don't even know you hold.
We have an entire section in our online premarital course all about expectations. They're that important.
Let's talk about unconscious expectations for a sec.
These are the trickiest of all three because, obviously, you don't always know you have them. More often than not, these expectations are influenced by your family and what you saw (or didn't see) growing up.
This article talks more about how your family will impact your marriage in the areas of marital roles, finances, and intimacy.
If you don't take the time to figure out what you and your spouse expect, determine if these expectations are realistic, and then share these expectations with each other, you're bound to run into conflict. Especially during your first year when everything is so new and happening all at once.
How to Overcome This Challenge
Even 6+ years in our marriage, we still take time to ask the question, "What are your expectations?"
- When we go to a family gathering, we ask... "How long do you expect us to stay?"
- When we enter a new season, we discuss our expectations going into that season
- When we go on vacation, we ask... "What do you expect from this trip?"
Heading into marriage, we asked each other hundreds of questions about what we expected marriage to look like (see our top 50 questions we recommend all couples answer before marriage here).
Remember, if unmet expectations are unspoken, unrealistic, or unconscious...
Your job is to have expectations that are spoken, realistic, and conscious.
We've found the best way to do that is to simply ask each other lots of questions.
Challenge #6: Setting Boundaries With In-Laws
As a couple, one of the most significant challenges you may face is setting healthy boundaries with your in-laws. While in-laws can be a source of joy and support, they can also cause tension and conflict in a new marriage.
This can be exacerbated if you're the first in your family to get married, there's brokenness or divorce on one or both sides, or if there's just generally unique family dynamics.
For your families...
- They may have a hard time adjusting to new expectations and roles
- They may feel like they're losing a son/daughter
- They may feel entitled to have access to you, your marriage, or your home that they no longer have
Whatever the case, and even in the healthiest of families, navigating boundaries with in-laws can be a tricky and sensitive topic.
How to Overcome This Challenge
For starters, it's important to understand that this situation requires TONS of grace. This whole marriage thing is new for your parents/in-laws as well.
Starting from the understanding that your in-laws may be having a hard time with the adjustment is important. It doesn't mean they're entitled to get their way all the time (remember, you and your spouse are a complete family unit), but it does mean we can be sensitive and graceful in how we approach them.
Here are a few resources to help you overcome this challenge:
- Our online premarital course - we have an entire section on families and foundations, including navigating in-laws
- [Blog] Setting Healthy Boundaries With In-Laws
- [Blog] Splitting Holidays With In-Laws
- [Blog] Dear Mom & Dad, Here's What I Need You to Know As I Get Married
- [Blog] 7 Ways to Build a Great Relationship With Your In-Laws
- [Blog] The 5 Laws of In-Laws
- [Free Download] Boundaries: 100+ Questions to Help Engaged Couples Set Healthy Boundaries Before They Get Married
Friends, investing in a relationship with your in-laws is worth it. It doesn't have to be perfect, you don't have to be best friends, but working toward a healthy relationship with the people who raised your spouse is one of the best gifts you can give your spouse.
Conclusion
When you're ready, one of the best ways to prepare for your first year of marriage is to take our online premarital course. It's our honor to help hundreds of couples every year build a marriage they'll love–in the first year and beyond. Our course will help you tackle these challenges and more.
